Portal 2 is one of the best games out there, and if If there's one thing I learned from the first game, it's that, I'm not man enough to resist the wiles of sexy synthetic ladies. Besides, I'm no John Conner, so I'll be the first in line for my cybernetic implants once the robo-pocalypse begins. I mean why fight the inevitable? To that end, let's have a little list of the sexiest gynoids and data cores in gaming. If I'm effiecient enough, maybe they'll spare me long enough to kill me via sensory pleasure overload - otherwise known as the single best death imaginable.
Now some of these artificially constructed ladies are pretty, some are sultry. Others just have personalities that compensate for the fact that they're really just a hard drive built into your house. But all are sexy . . . as long as you have the right silicone "implants".
By which I mean a direct neural interface with software . . . duh. What did you think perv?
Looking for some sexy video games to play? This list might be a good reference for you. These are some of the sexiest games of all time. Don't think so? What do you think are the sexiest video games?
The Top 10 Sexiest AI in Video Games,
5. Noel Vermillion - BlazBlue
Spoiler Alert!
Yeah Noel's totally a robot. Sorry folks who care about BlazBlues' oh so significant "plot".
(All six of you.)
Specifically, she's an earlier model of the game's final boss, who's all cyber-angel-deathwinged out. That's pretty cool and all, but I'll tell you what Nu-13 doesn't have that Noel does:
Dat Ass.
Which, getting away from such an obvious appeal (not that you would want to), she's also a militaristic gal who knows how to go to town on fools with a pair of huge guns- Equilibrium style.
Oh, and by guns, I do mean actual guns. Seriously look at those things! Dirty Harry has a case of Magnum envy here.
But just in case you thought she was completely without some feminine charm, she's also got an adorable weakness for anything cute. And proving that not every fembot HAS to fit standard stereotypes of Japanese homemakers, she's actually a terrible, terrible cook.
Seriously, being bad at cooking is like basically saying you're a dude in Japan.
So yeah, now that I've said all that . . . I do have to start shaming any man whose ever looked at her with lust in mind.
Why? She's only five years OLD! You sick leches!
OK yeah I guess in software years that actually means she's ancient, but still, I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Ah screw it!
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DAT ASS.
9. Adjutants - Starcraft
Ever see that Bjork video where the Queen of Iceland herself (if that's not her official status it should be) is built in a Prius factory while she sings about whatever it is that Bjork actually warbles about?
Yeah, I saw that smack dab in the middle of puberty . . . which is probably why I find the Adjutants of Starcraft strangely alluring. Something about watching a beautiful woman being built is just, well at the very least fascinating, if not intriguing. But before you go and say that I'm some sort of freak (which is obviously the case) know that this image exists:
Which means that at least I'm not the only one.
Now the Adjutants are (generally speaking) little more than supercomputers the Terran military uses to help coordinate their battles against their enemies in Starcraft. Of course this essentially amounts to a prettier voice being the one you hear telling you that you need more minerals of vespene gas rather than that deep bass of the Protoss.
So how is she sexy? Well I think I'm going to pull a Cleveland and go with the "Does no one else here find power sexy?" argument.
I'm with Mr. Brown on this one. Yes, power is sexy, and who always has the most power? The computer "assisting" with the war effort, that's who. Thank god they built them with boobs!
Sure some will balk that robot women have cold dead eyes, monotone voices, and no personality to speak of. But hey, isn't that what most men want in a woman?
It's not?
Oh.
Well then I better get back on my meds once I'm done with this list then.
7. Emeralda Kasim - Xenogears
OK, so Esmeralda here isn't exactly super hot by anime chick standards. I mean, she doesn't have the overabundant assets of Mei Fang or Lamia above her, and compared to most ladies in videogames, she's actually quite reasonably dressed.
(of course this statement doesn't really speak too highly of women in games, but I digress)
See? There's just some midriff, and a little bit of thigh. Pretty scandalous . . . if this was 1955.
So why is Emeralda here?
Well, filler mostly, but aside from that -she's a female T-1000!
That's right, Emeralda is actually a networked nanite cloud taking the form of a full grown woman. Sure, she chooses to look like a green-haired babe most of the time, but occasionally she turns her hands into knives, her hair into a scythe, legs into drills and just and go on a buck wild in her "Kill All Humans" moments.
Not that she would, seeing as she's pretty benevolent nanite colony created in the protagonist's previous life to aid humanity before he was reincarnated. Oh yeah, did I mention that Xenogears has sort of a weird story? Well it does.
But it's that shapeshifting ability, more than anything else, that gets her on the list. I mean, you might not like her green-hair/deep tan combo, but it doesn't have to be that way! She can be buxom, or skinny, or a red head, or well . . . anything! At the very least, she'd be "flexible". If you get my drift.
Which if my man Garrus has taught me anything, is a good thing.
10. Mei Fang - Arcana Heart
Alright, let''s get the most perverted stuff out of the way first, shall we? To that end, meet Mei Fang:
Thank you Japan! You sick, sick bastards. (oh wait there's like a tragedy over there right now, sorry)
Like Mai Shiranui before her, Mei Fang is pure sexuality oozed into a single fighting game character, solely for the sake of sexuality. But like Ash from the film Alien, "She's a goddamn robot!".
Now, the Arcana Heart series of fighting games is "unique" in that it features an entirely female cast of adolescent girls. . . so yes, it's as perverted as you think it is.
But not wanting to be accused just of heavy pedophilic overtones, the developers decided to appeal to every single fetish they could think of at the time, with each sequel only adding more onto the list.
They're on the third installment now, so this means there's more fetish bait than your entire collection of girl-shaped masturbation body pillows: there's a martial arts chick, a nun, a (sigh) cat girl, a chick with a rather "close" relationship to an amorphous slime monster, and even a chubby Naruto Fangirl (now that's a damn specific fetish if I've ever heard of one).
If Mei Fang has anything going for her above the rest of her cast, it's firstly, she actually has a figure. A COMPLETELY unrealistic figure, but hey she was obviously built by a man. A lonely, lonely man, who probably was going more off his lustful imagination than any actual woman (whom I'm sure he never met) when going over her "schematics". I'm not sure why she's going to high school with the rest of the girls in this game, as she's pretty obviously been built to be the ultimate interpretation of a real doll, and for that you do not need any book learning.
Of course you then find out that she was actually built by a woman . . . and then it's all WTF?!
But just to keep the total chauvinism levels on overload here, know also that Mei Fang here, in addition to her ridiculous bust, and completely appropriate lower body wear, also knows thousands of recipes and is completely subservient.
That's right, she cooks and cleans for you too! Wow, way to be progressive Japan!
. . . says the ass who's writing a list of sexy fembots.
8. Lamia Loveless - Super Robot Wars
Hah! Loveless. I see what you did there makers of Super Robot Wars.
Get it? I mean, she's an android - so emotions would be foreign to her!
Subtle.
So anyways, Lamia here is your standard humanoid robot sent to spy on you, and who (of course) eventually learns the value of organic life and decides not to betray the good guys because they're awesome. You know, the standard Cylon drill really (at least for Asian robots).
Or maybe she's closer to a female Data from Star Trek: TNG? After all she learns of human ways and decides to follow her "heart" whatever that actually is. To become more human. It's really a trope that's been done to death, and there's little that's actually notable about her.
Except that both she and her giant mechanized fighting battlesuit have gigantic breasts:
Seriously. Her nickname ends up being "Boing-chan".
Subtlety strikes again Super Robot Wars devs!
Of course, this is why she's on this list. You might want to start accusing me of objectifying women (if you haven't already), but let me pose this question to you: Am I really objectifying them if they're are actually objects? Isn't that what a robot is? An Object? Isn't that, you know, OK?
So really neither I nor the makers of Super Robot Wars should be accused of sexism. Obviously.
Besides I'm sure mech-t**s have SOME sort of functional purpose. Right? I mean maybe . . . they distract the other pilots?
2. SHODAN - System Shock
Oh SHODAN. You naughty, naughty girl.
Your name may "mean" your just another Sentient Hyper-Optimized Data Access Network, but your words and oh so amazing attitude are your true testament to the beautiful madness of the fairer sex.
I know that some folks might wonder why GLaDOS didn't make it further up the list(especially since her game pretty much inspired it).
Well SHODAN here is why. You see, GLaDOS is definitely the newest hotness when it comes to rampaging super computers controlling entire installations while combining a sexy "take no prisoners" female viewpoint, but she wasn't the first. For video games, that honor is pretty much owned by SHODAN here.
Sure, GLaDOS gets by with her charm, being far funnier and often much nicer, but SHODAN sets the bar for pure bat-s**t insanity.
Again, SHODAN makes GLaDOS look nice by comparison.
GLaDOS. The AI that wanted nothing more than to torture you emotionally before burning you to death.
She actually believes that she's some sort of goddess in a physical manifestation, and when you look at it from her perspective, it's actually not that difficult to see why.
She controls everything on Citadel station, seeing everything though the countless eyes of security cameras, hearing all through the microphones of the f*turistic comm terminals. She can control even the most basic systems within her "body" from doors to elevators to cloning stations. She even sets out to create new life, as is the case with any deity worth their weight in microprocessors.
But like Skynet before her, she sees a flaw: the simple fact that humanity is not under her control.
This is an error she intends to rectify, and despite being mad, she logically creates many redundant means in order to achieve this end, from mining lasers, to viruses, to simply attempting to download herself into Earth's digital networks in order to wreak havoc. hell, she even proves to be semi-immortal when she surprises everyone and comes back for a second round in System Shock 2, even though her original program was utterly destroyed by the hacker that made her during the first game. By the end of this sequel she even decides to manifest physically on top of everything else, so she is no mere HAL-9000 clone anymore but an actual cyber-gal walking amongst us.
The above image is an artist's rendering of this godly event, but the actual thing involved a lot more "possessing of a human corpse".
So she's a smart, badass villain, you got that. But what makes her completely unforgettable is her attitude.
In both games she sees the player as nothing more than an insect or tool, something small and easily forgotten once she succeeds in her goals. She piles on verbal abuses and threats, and unlike many game antagonists before or since, these are threats that are actually delivered, swiftly and mercilessly. And yet through it all, it's difficult not to be in awe of her, despite her malevolent lunacy.
Sure, you can easily fear her. But at the end of the day, I think everyone actually end up respecting her. It's this gravitas that's makes it difficult for a man to not be allured by her sheer power and intelligence.
Of course, any relationship with SHODAN would have to be pretty damn kinky. She'd obviously be the dom, and you'd have to accept being a submissive pet to her (far from benign) control.
You might also have to accept the fact that she'd probably turn you into a cybernetic mutant killing machine- but come on, you know what you're getting into here. Just have some dirty fun while it lasts, and hope she decides to clone you later.
I for one would love to pant and sweat through her corridors any day.
3. KOS-MOS - Xenosaga
For most of the Xenosaga series, KOS-MOS (for the redundant acronym Kosmos Obey Strategical Multiple Operation Systems) is a rather odd mystery.
She's a super-powered fighting robot that even puts Mega Man to shame, wielding all sorts of ridiculous ways to kill things.
Super strength and speed, the ability to teleport in guns out of nowhere, and even some frickin' big ass laser beams for good measure. She's also fiercely loyal and logical to a fault- as befitting her robotic status.
And for some reason, even though she was co-designed by another woman, who doesn't seem interested in appearing on The Real L Word, she's also super hot - for a robot.
Oh, and she even has blue hair. Yes, stereotypes of anime exist for a reason.
So if I take this correctly, the creator of Xenosaga seems to think "of course the natural thing when designing hyper powerful battle bots is to put them in the form of attractive young women! I mean why wouldn't you do that? Even if another woman was the one building her. I mean it's the obvious choice. Right?"
Why wouldn't you do that indeed. Oh I know. How about the fact that most robots don't need to look like a human being, let alone a woman to be be perfectly functional? hell, the human form actually has a fair amount of flaws when it comes to navigation over something that could, say, hover around everywhere! But of course that would be bringing logic to a game that decided to leave it at the door when it started trying to become a sci-fi version of the works of Friedrich Nietzsche and religious gnosticism.
Seriously, that's what the Xenosaga games are about. Remember back in the Emeralda entry, where I said that Xenogears was weird? Well the same goes double for Xenosaga.
So, because the devs of the game are the type of over thinking inellectuals who think this is a good idea, there actually is a reason KOS-MOS looks like the next Japanese Pop-star Lady Gaga is going to steal a dress from, but it lives beyond this SPOILER ALERT over here.
You see, KOS-MOS is meant to be an artificial recreation of Mary Magdelene. You know, the old-school new testament woman who was so sexy even Jesus Christ himself decided to raise an eyebrow (and pitch his littlest cross) in her direction? Yeah that one.
So yeah, KOS-MOS is the recreation of a dame so fine even the Son of God took notice AND she's a kick ass robot! What more could a guy ask for?
. . . maybe fewer clothes on her?
There ya go buddy. Some prayers do get answered.
6. GLaDOS - Portal
OK, we've been looking at obvious "sexy robot gal" contenders for most of this list so far, so let's mix it up a bit shall we? Let's move away into more . . . "cerebral" areas.
I mean we kind of have to, considering GLaDOS here doesn't so exactly have a hot body.
Well "attractive" body anyways, I'm sure her personality cores probably can reach heats in the hundreds of degrees when they really get going, but that's obviously not what I meant.
Still, the lack of a female form doesn't mean some folks haven't tried to figure out what she'd look like in one:
OR jumped to some conclusions about the very silhouette of her core processing unit being an allusion to a woman in bondage:
That one might even be intentional on Valve's part. I mean, they usually think of everything, don't they?
So why on earth would people go to such lengths to imagine what GLaDOS would look like if she were a bit more . . . "woman" than AI core? Is she really that charming? Or are all these people demented loners who long ago learned that true IRL interactions with the fairer sex only left them confused and frustrated?
Well OK, that's probably part of it; but no, it really does have to do with her personality. Her abusive, hot-and-cold, maniacally screwed up personality.
GLaDOS switches constantly between loving you and hating you, from going on tirades about your idiotic inept nature, to apologizing for her snappy attitude, to then trying to play off such remarks as bad jokes. She's legitimately funny but definitely screwed up, and constantly teases you with the promise of earthly delights that she's actually fully prepared to deliver to you. . . even if you'll still never get to taste them.
So she's basically every psychotic ex-girlfriend EVER.
If any guy has had to deal with this overly emotional wreck of a girl (and who hasn't really, amirite?) they know that the one benefit to these types of relationships is the wildly awesome time in the sack.
The "cake", if you will.
So while she doesn't have a body, I think this is why so many want her to. We get the subtext, we know what "cake" actually means (Protip: it means vagina-sex).
GLaDOS : proving since 2007 that all it takes to attract men is a manipulative attitude, the ability to promise eventual snacks, and a couple of large orbs.
4. Cortana - Halo
Man, what hasn't been said about Cortana at this point?
Essentially the world's most powerful digital assistant AI, Cortana here is an impressively powerful bit of software to be sure.
She's ble to enter alien hardware and interpret the data found therein in short order. She's highly intelligent and saves Master Chief's cyborg bacon more than a few times, which seems only fair seeing as she often decides to take up residence in the back of his skull.
Now, if she were simply just a smart voice on MC's headset directing all of his actions, that'd be one thing. But as it turns out (and you no doubt are fully aware of since this isn't 2001) her sly personality and visual representation are that of an incredibly attractive young woman.
Scratch that, an incredibly attractive young woman - who happens to be naked.
So whoever designed her obviously had their priorities straight.
Obviously.
Plus for all those wondering how human -cyborg "relations" might work, without C-3P0 around, Cortana holds the key.
Master Chief being a spartan, is a cybernetic soldier, meaning he has a few robotic bits and pieces running throughout his central nervous system. Obviously Cortana resides within his armor to interact with him and get moved around from place to place, but considering her prowess at entering into various computer systems, it probably also means she could completely interact with Master Chief's cybernetic components. . . and even his bodily functions if she damn well wanted to.
Should Cortana ever decide to actually take her relationship with the Chief to the next level (past the pseudo Mulder and Scully thing they have going on in game) all it would take is for her to "stimulate" certain parts of his anatomy by hacking into his central nervous system.
Yes, that's right. All those times you were trucking around in a Warthog, the Chief was probably getting the world's best hummer from his digital girlfriend.
Of course if she ever got angry with you . . . well, let's just not think about that, shall we?
1. EDI - Mass Effect 2
So yeah, originally I was going to give this spot to SHODAN, because well, she's the queen of evil rampaging AI as far as I'm concerned, but then I remembered a rule I have:
When comparing female robots, there is only one rule. If Tricia Helfer is up for contention, she wins.
And yeah well, sorry SHODAN, you'd be fun for those times when a guy wants to get really nasty (and some cybernetic implants) but I hear you've got a mutagenic virus I don't want to catch, and besides EDI here does the one thing neither you nor GLaDOS can attest to:
EDI remains SANE
Plus though not as blatantly a sex object as Cortana in her digital avatar representation, it's difficult not to view it as, well . . .vaginal. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Her name stands for Enhanced Defense Intelligence, and among other things, she lives up to her name, protecting her ship and crew aboard the Normandy SR-2 to the best of her (often shackled) capabilities. But on top of this, she proves to be quite charming. Though your control of Commander Shepard never really has you interacting with EDI too often other than in a few major missions, she does develop a strong rapport with the Normandy's pilot (and resident wise ass) Joker, voiced perfectly by Seth Green.
They bicker and banter like an old married couple. . . and damn it all, it's just too cute to watch!
As I said before though, the real big difference is that EDI doesn't ever stab you in the back and try to blow all of the humans out an airlock President Roslin style. She jokes here and there about her dominance over we organics (as in the attached video) but is actually quite . . . nice.
So if SHODAN is sort of a goddess AI taken to its extreme as in you know, delivering wrath and all that, EDI is the far more benevolent version of the same thing. She's still pretty all powerful on the ship she is, but is using this power for our benefit. I can get behind that.
But for my money the real icing on the cake is that she's still Tricia Helfer. This means that if she did eventually make the upgrade to a body like SHODAN before her, she'd pretty much have to look like this:
Or maybe this:
And possibly even this:
This folks, is a great thing.
If BioWare ever decides to to give EDI some sort of actual body in Mass Effect 3 (hint, hint), I think a great many male Shepards out in the 'verse will be attempting to find romance options between the commander and his ship's computer, completely ditching anything they had going on with either of the boring humans or blue aliens they might have been banging on their save files before.
It's just one of many upgrades that I'm hoping for this coming winter when the trilogy finally ends.
That, and the removal of the god awful smile on every male Shepard model ever.
I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite creepy s**t-eating grin on the citadel!