At the end of the day, you can’t question science. After all, it explains why up is down, leads to medical breakthroughs, and unravels the greatest mystery of all: magnets, and how they work. But did you know that science also has a major focus on getting men laid? Time and time again, science is used for the benefit of all mankind’s boners. Researching this list shattered all of my preconceptions about scientists: the respectability, the comforting stoicism, and the lab coats, and has replaced it with the end credits of The Man Show.
This is a list of the health benefits of sex, semen and male sperm. Is sex scientifically proven to be good for your health? Yes. Yes, it is, according to these studies that were clearly conducted to get women to put out more. These doctors and scientists say that having more sexy-time can prevent cancer, diminish wrinkles and fine lines, increase life expectancy and well-being, cure migraines, incontinence, the common cold, and morning sickness. Sex is a miracle cure and it is free for the taking, ladies! What are the benefits of sex?
Having regular sexual intercourse has many physical, psychological, biological and social benefits for both men and women. But sometimes some ladies and gentlemen don't feel up for a rigorous sex regimen. Sometimes they are tired. Why don't women want to have sex all the time? Because they have migraines, a cold, or are feeling down and don't yet know that sex is actually a secret miracle cure for all of these ailments! So gather 'round, ladies stop your whining, and men arm yourself with this list of studies that prove sex is good for you.
http://www.ranker.com/list/studies-clearly-conducted-to-get-women-to-put-out/joe-starr,
Regularly Massaging Breasts Could Prevent Cancer, Says Best Study Ever
Laboratory experiments show that applying physical pressure to malignant breast cells guides them back to a normal growth pattern, preventing them from triggering cancer.
I feel blessed we’ve come to live in a time when the most important guy in the hospital is the one in the Female Body Inspector t-shirt.
While scientists don’t expect to fight breast cancer with compression bras (who needs bras when I’ve got two hands amIrightbros? High fives!), they do believe this research provides clues that could lead to new treatments- Treatments that could lead to exciting new love-melon squeezing jobs in the medical industry.
Guys, can you believe it? Normally this kind of stuff gets us into a lot of trouble, but if science has its way, you’re no longer an aggressive and unwanted borderline sexual predator: you’re a certified jello-mold hero.
(Source)
Doctors Say Looking at Well Endowed Women for 10 Minutes a Day Is Good for Your Health
A German study, published in the New England Journal of Medicine, concludes that staring at women's t-shirt stretchers for a few minutes daily is better for your health than going to the gym.
"Just 10 minutes of looking at the charms of well-endowed females is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out," said author Dr Karen Weatherby, an expert on ageing.
See guys, not all news from Germany is terrible!
Completely ignoring the logic that if this were true, men would never get sick or die ever, this study insists that men who were told to stare at bosoms daily (they had to be told?) had lower blood pressure and slower resting pulse rates and also decreased their risk of coronary artery disease. Thank god I know this, because I was scared I was going to have to jog or squat or move or something.
It’s worth noting that the research team spent five years working on this discovery. Five years of staring at funbags, no doubt funded by some sort of grant: It’s a project that Peter Venkman could only dream of.
Apparently there are also some specific time and size correlations: men over 40 should spend at least ten minutes daily admiring heaven-sacks sized D-cup or larger.
(Read more)
Study: Swollowing the Sword Cures Morning Sickness
Gordon Gallup (the same guy who claimed that semen is an anti-depressant) conducted a study and found that the best way to cure morning sickness during pregnancy is guy-dye.
Gallup seems to really be taking full advantage of his role as a scientist.
(Source: CBS)
Sex Cures the Common Cold, Apparently
You know how there’s no cure for the common cold? Well, there is. Can you guess what it is? Newsweek reports that bed-squeaking can cure the common cold. It works by raising immunoglobin A, an important virus fighting antibody, during intercourse.
As an added bonus, “my immunoglobins aren’t the only thing being raised right now” is my new favorite pick up line.The study is inconclusive about benefits regarding sex exclusively involving women, but notes that ‘it wouldn’t hurt to try it out.’
So there’s one for you, angry looking lesbian stereotypes. Cheer up.
(Read more)
Want More On These Sex Studies? Watch This Video
Proof that some scientific studies are strictly conducted to get guys a little more sex.
It's Official: Semen is Proven to Increase Life Expectancy
Gordon Gallup, who you remember from an earlier story about women needing man-juices in order to function emotionally, believes that the best way to cure morning sickness in pregnant women is sperm.
The article doesn’t really mention specifics of any study. There may not have been- this Gallup guy is the Billy Graham of sucking talley-whacker and he’s not even bothering to cite bible passages anymore: If this guy says that man-naise will give you Spider powers, than you had better believe that with great power comes (again, pun intended) great responsibility.
I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve got the first few song lyrics to my Mary Poppins porn parody locked in.
Obviously, this is something scientists have discovered with absolutely no ulterior motives.
Studies Find That Fooling Around in Bed Can Be a Natural Anti-Depressant
In the late 1980s, when doctors still knew how to party, a study of 85 women concluded that 61% of women who treated their migraines with sex reported some kind of relief, with more than 20% saying their headaches were completely cured.
The oldest excuse in the book has been moot since the 80s and no one has told us? Thanks for nothing, The 80s. Honestly, this one isn’t quite as strong a home run as the various swallow cures we’ve been studying: it puts a lot of pressure on the man. I’ve got to get you off AND make your head feel better? I’M ONLY ONE MAN, DAMN IT.
(Read more)
...and more
Even the BBC Carried Out Experiments to See If Food Changes the Taste of Semen
Gordon Gallup, the porn appropriate named scientist at the State University of New York as concluded that there is something in semen that can alter moods positively, and if isolated could be an alternative way of treating depression. He goes further, pointing out that after tests assessing nearly a thousand women, that ‘women who don’t wear use condoms tend to be more gutted when their relationships break down, yet get into new sexual relationships more quickly than those that do.’
“It’s as if they find semen addictive.”
That’s a real quote. A real quote from a god damn scientist. Women need dude-cream to be happy. That’s why all lesbians in the hacky 90’s sitcom reality we live in look angry and miserable.
Frankly, I’m relieved. After hearing hundreds of rappers similarly hypothesize, it’s fantastic to finally see the scientific community rally behind ladies straight needing mad giggle-stick. Next up, the science of twerking: a surprising cure for scoliosis.
The BBC tested it. It's true. Try it for yourself.
Semen Is Highly Effective in Treating Wrinkles
A Norwegian company is bottling spermine, a powerful anti oxidant found in guy-pudding, saying it diminishes wrinkles and smoothes the skin.
Facial treatments start at $250, which is ridiculous considering the sizable volunteer base willing to render their services for free. The company behind this miracle tonic is called Bioforskning, named for Odin’s third son who will be played by Peter North in the upcoming Marvel sex adventure Thor: Money Shots.
Swallowing Semen May Reduce a Woman's Risk of Developing a Dangerous Condition
Several studies have investigated the decrease of pre-eclampsia incidents in women who have unprotected sex with their partners and in women who regularly perform oral sex. Dutch researchers, who clearly have their priorities straight, concluded that oral exposure of and gastrointestinal absorption of man-juice establishes the immunological tolerance necessary for a safe and successful pregnancy.
The Dutch really seem to have their mouth around a solution to pre-eclampsia. Holding for applause.
Seriously, there’s nothing in nature stronger than a mother’s instinct to protect her child, and it’s about time we warped and twisted that beautiful bond to get more blowjobs. If you won’t do it for me, my love…Do it for our unborn son. Don’t spit away his future.
(See for yourself here)